How I feel about myself

Hello, it is my first blog ever, so I would like to tell you guys about myself. I am the firstborn child in my family by the different of 5 minutes from my sister 😆. I have a twin sister who is basically further her study in the same place with me which is UITM MERBOK. But, she took diploma in public administrative while I took diploma in business studies. I have a younger brother who is now in form 4. My mother is 44 years old and my father is one year younger from my mother. She is a housewife while my father is a night market trader.

So, back to the topic  before I am telling you guys more about myself or about how I felt about myself. There is a quote where “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. Most of the people especially my friends before they know me, they think that it was really hard to get closed to me, maybe because I had a cold expression and people think I am such a quiet person. To be honest, it is the opposite of these as I would only show the truth self with only my close friends. Once, I got comfortable with people, I would be more open and more of myself.

HOW I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF

I am an over thinking person. This can be my negative personality. I would think anything which is not happen yet or may not be happen. For me, over thinking can lead you to have a different kind of plot with no ending and the worst is it is mostly about the negative things. How I wish I can change it. But it is not easy when you keep on living with this personality. The reason why I tend to be over thinking is because I do not want to be disappointed with the thing I have never imagined. I want to get ready with any kind of thing by over thinking about it. I know everyone will have a problems and the problems would never gone and definitely it will keep on coming. But sometimes, we can really get tired and tend to give up no matter how often we used to it. I just wish people especially ‘myself’ can know that god will never give us more than we can handle.

Sometimes, I felt insecure about myself which make me not confidence about myself. This is the reason why I do not have a courage to do something which I am not familiar with me.There is a lot of problems and burden on my shoulder which cannot be seen by others but by myself only. Everyone will never get over with problems as they are growing up. But it is differ by another on how they handle the problems. But I just wish I can always find a way to handle the problems no matter how hard and how tired I am to get through all of this. 

How everyday i am expecting tomorrow would be a nice day and a great day but, who would how know that the next day was much worse than today. Lose hope, that what i felt, thinking what am i going to face tomorrow, next week, next month or the next year, it is a never ending stories for me. 
 I am always getting stress over such a little thing, getting depressed and no one ever know and has no one to told up about my problems. Feeling upset over nothing maybe for them but not for me. Being insecure about myself is what i wishing i would not felt or need to be face. 

Silently crying thinking what will happen tomorrow, and so on. This feeling is really awful and yet they will never see this. How can they see it when i am trying to put up a smile on my face and trying to be happy in front of others. No one know including my family. This is not about me of trying to live my life happily, but it is about me on how to survive in every single day. I am blaming myself to let myself win over me. Really, i was trying the hardest i can, to be my old self who never cared about what people thing about me and be confidence about myself. 

YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORSE IS? I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE REASON I AM GETTING STRESS AND WHAT AM I UPSET ABOUT. THERE IS NO ANSWER TO MY PROBLEMS AND NO ONE CAN ANSWERING THIS.

I am always being a good listener to my friends but yet i can never told my self story to them. This is me, i'm scared of being judged for getting a problems which it is not a problem for them. But, it is for me. I am afraid that they will say that i am so good at making something out of nothing.

However, Patience is the key for me to be happy and helping me to keep on living but i never thought that the patience requires such a lot of energy and strength.

Figure out why I'm hurting? I told you why. Why I was hurting. Is it not okay to be hurting this much because of that? Do I need a more dramatic detail? I need more of a story? 

I am always tearing up listening to this song. How hard it is and how i am struggling every single day. How tired it is.

This words keep on lingering in my head

" If you are looking to be happy in the 'dunya' (world) , you are in the wrong place"
You would never get the eternal happiness in this world.

I think that's all about my self.